For example, I used to host (board and card) game nights at my home, and Id create an event on Facebook, invite everyone who was part of this group, and ask them to please let me know as soon as they knew whether or not theyd be there, at least by the day before, so I could plan how much food Id need to buy/make. By formal invitation, Im not necessarily meaning an engraved invitation, like for a wedding or other fairly formal event. (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. Is it just me? I have a couple of friends/acquaintances(sp? I expect either Oh were going to see New Movie/having a picnic/running errands or I dunno, usually followed by how about you? Its a low pressure small talk question, most of the time. and get back to work.) So the reframing may help. I am not anyones manic pixie dream social secretary. I think it would be odd to preemptively take that away. If you already made someone admit that they do not have Serious Plans, of course at this point saying no to your invitation is going to be so much more difficult, because its going to be rude! ), but I can tell you that even from that POV, I generally have few expectations of this kind of question. This is how I feel too. (Like the How are you? inquiries) No Response. I dont know? The one my family goes with is Surviving. Person A: Im fine. and the goal is to just be ok with letting them down when they are the ones who have set an unagreed demand on your time. I love that you are into mountain biking! What is the stuff?? I dont spend a lot of time imagining what youre doing over the weekend. Sometimes we dont have plans, but that doesnt mean Im willing to just let her do any old activity. Then, actually do check your calendar, check in with yourself if you actually want to do whatever it is, and answer the person when its convenient for you. For example, Looking forward to the weekend? or I hope you get to relax this weekend.; My take is that if they wish to continue the conversation, they will do so, but if not, they can reply with a Yes/No. (Like just because I have no plans, I must do the Thing she wants to do. So I got in the habit of saying, I have no plans and thats just the way I like it. It sounds like you find the second uncomfortable or have had bad experiences with people misusing it to manipulate you. Try repeating Fine, thanks. I usually just respond with I have tentative plans with a friend why do you ask? Lots of wiggle room there. Aunt: Good! Good luck! Should I keep doing what Im doing? This one is a bit tricky for me. I moved out from my parents when I was 25. Whaaaaaat. I wonder if some variety of Im really flattered that you asked and I want to hang bout, but I REALLY need to recharge this weekend, maybe we can set a time that works for both of us? might be a good script? Tell me more! Of course I would never do this it would be returning the aggression but its a real puzzle to me. The second part of this is being okay evaluating the specific invitations and turning them down if you dont want to do them. Re #1, true that. Just how I like it :). Or something. I dont know what would do the most damage for NYCs daughter long-term, but I do know that no matter the form it ultimately takes, the preservation of parental lines of dominance into the adulthood of the child will do real damage long-term. If the idea is to make refusal easier, I think scripts like Im going to this show tomorrow, if youd like to join me and Do you know of anyone who might be able to babysit on Saturday? would be more effective. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. Same thing you're doing, talking to you now. Sometimes I go with something like, Im already committed to a couple of things, but they still have to get back to me about when, exactly, theyre happening. But dont try to play us off against each other. Any event. Work it like a weekend warrior! I also (insert similar hobby or interest). Indeed. I used to get caught by this question. I actually liked her kid, and if shed just said she needed a sitter instead of tricking me into it, I wouldnt have minded babysitting.I ended up filling that child with sugar and caffeinated soda (he had a grand time), and forever answering Im so busy, ugh to all future questions about my plans. I have a friend that would ask me what Im doing and when I say, Nothing the next thing is, Well, lets meet for lunch and then irritation and shock when I say Id rather not. It happens every time I get him as a teller. If its just a soft open to an invitation, you can be annoyed by it, or you can say, I dunno, you?. Right now? Always always have a plan I forgot about until next day. No matter what I say its, okay, well I was just gonna see if you wanted to [actual invitation / request]. Oh, stop it, will you? If you have plans, just say so. On the other hand, there are the problem/dominance-related ones: 1. In that case I would begin with the duty: I need a babysitter. Just because at that one time it wasnt true doesnt mean that her reaction was irrational. 1, It feels rude not to ask back. My suggested response in to this question is therefore is just, I have finished planning yet, or still not finalized possibly followed by what are you up to? This is fairly similar to the Ill need to check my calendar, suggestions and still works if you arent the sort of person who uses a calendar and youre talking to someone close enough to know that about you. It feels like a lot of just Use Your Words advice is setting people up for a shock when they realize that their coworkers or acquaintances are offput by it. The conversation can go like this either way and be appropriate and you not be on the spot either way. Oh LW this might be one of my very biggest pet peeves. The bigger words you use, the better. In my case its also true (OH is much better at executive function than me). These people arent trying to gotcha! Him: Nothing fun? Its okay that I usually watch movies/play videogames/read all weekend and those arent shameful hobbies. Born and raised in the US, and I also think this is a weird question not to answer literally. She does recognize that its a way people make small talk and that its not likely to go away any time soon. You may feel uncomfortable doing this (which is their goal) but you always have the right to decline a request. Yes, my current circles understand introversion well, even the ones who themselves are extraverts . For the record, I will totally cat-sit for you. It is perfectly ok to want some calm alone time or time with a cat watching Winter Olympics (that is actually great, our cats especially seem to love skiing) and no-one else really needs to know. Im also self employed and use a similar excuse. You an also use it to deflect people like the commenters who are entirely not malicious, because it can serve the same purpose of filling small talk, providing a topic of easy conversation, and/or signaling that you are busy but flexible to people you actually like. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. friend: yep cool Makes sense. I feel like something mundane like chores will get some pushback, or wont be seen as a task that takes up the whole day(s) off (if I do laundry Saturday, I can still go out Sunday! Its the same here. Which is why weve all learned to use our words, though it takes some learning and there are still occasional misunderstandings. They may just be an indirect communicator, and Hey, want to go have dinner might feel too abrupt without any conversational preamble. Is it a throwaway social nicety, or a veiled attempt to get you to accept a task or invite? That sounds weird coming from you. And take LWs at their word, maybe? Not everyone in my life always has. If a coworker does this several times in a row, I sense they dont want to connect with me on that level and stop asking. The person is clearly saying something bigoted or 2. I think the ideas people are getting at is that sometimes people want to reject an invitation not because they have plans but because they dont want to attend. Why is that worth it? Then if someone tries to rope me into something I dont want to do, I can pull out the old Sorry, I have a deadline coming up soon / Im behind schedule so I have to work.. Can we not with passing judgement on the validity of the LWs feelings about this phrase? Because this is very much a dumb conversation filler question and its not going to go away anytime soon. Reply with 'Hey' Back. So, since my unspoken fear in this situation is that Ill have revealed my availability for an activity I dont want to do and that Ill be too polite to outright say I dont want to go, I figured I might as well express it, even if jokingly. - Joseph Addison - Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you. My introvert self doesnt like last-minute extroverting.). But I think its disingenuous? 2. "That is very thoughtful of you, it was a nice weekend.". Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. Its okay that I dont want to tell my coworkers the details of what Im reading and I get to choose who I want to share details of my life with. What are you up to this weekend? sounds like small talk, though it obviously depends if the asker is a known power-player. Im one of those foreigners who are mystified with the use of How are you? in the US. The other day I got into this conversation with a mum I have to say mum colleague rather than mum friend, because her kid is in the same class as my kids and we seem to hang out quite a lot but shes an extreme extrovert and I am really not, and I see more of her than I would really choose to if I had to seek her out. I went to a lot of meetings I did not want to go because of this, cause I pretty much was cornered into it after admitting I have not set plans.. But I like to think that Im better at saying no now, even though people do sometimes react badly. Your radishes that you consider joint family radishes because everyone could eat them? RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be doing this weekend a long time ago, I would have said the NFL Combine. To them I am this exotic other they feel entitled to treat in a certain way because their goodness and its expression is more important than my real and complex experience as a human being. Or autistic natives; I know this one intellectually, but I still have a lot of trouble remembering in the moment that its usually not a real question, and Im also unsure how to respond when I do remember, because I dont like lying, and Im well/fine is usually a lie for me. Some other commenters have pointed out that sometimes people use this question as an conversation opener or in order to seem polite while they actually want to tell about their own plans. I actually trained my mother out of this question by responding to every vague What are you doing on X? by saying Tell me what you really want to know. Fortunately, my mother is a reasonable person who understands boundaries, and mostly just laughed and said Good point, Z is going on and Id like to go and wanted company. She also totally gets my introversion and that sometimes I dont have anything going on but Id still rather not do Z is a perfectly valid answer. "Have a happy Saturday." 2) "It's almost the weekend." 3) "And just like thatPoof! If you dont want to go, just say so. Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. Personally what works for me to feel non-imposed-upon is for someone to either tell me I have time to think about it, say hey if you cant I understand or similar, and generally act like they care about my opinions, feelings, and consent. My cousins with kids are trying to push their 8-12 year olds on me to tutor them and Im like 1. You can begin with, "I hope this email finds you well," which has the same meaning as "Hope you are doing well". The joke about (insert joke) cracked me up on your profile. So when I get a what are you doing after work Friday? text halfway through work on Thursday just tell me what youre going to suggest in the same message. 1. If they want to tell you about their job, they can. And then if its something I dont want to do BUT its a person I dont want to discourage, I can say, That sounds like youll have fun! I had a two-day conversation with my cat about vacuums versus lint rollers. Agreed I dont think that the question signals the other person should do all the planning, i think its a way to judge how willing and able they are to hang out sometime in the immediate future. So I get your point, and thats definitely not what I was asking about. Theres always some kind of obligation, because theyre my parents and I love them and I want to honor what theyve done for me in giving me a great life. Ex.1. My husbands family is large and I generally love them, but sometimes I just do not want to eat little smokies and chips with 40 other people in a loud house with tons of screaming children. Why, whats up?, Yessss exactly. Our relationship got better when I moved out. So I think it makes sense to feel that threatening eviction / charging rent could be harmful. I wanted to stayyou can make why do you ask? be a friendly lineand you probably should. Silly Friend: do you want to do (thing)? (Seriously? that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. Probably so he can finish the conversation with enjoy [fun thing]. No matter how old you are, you don't want to be badgered about your life choices. They say hey, and you reply with the same. Jana: I'm good. I used to feel guilty about that until I framed it in my mind that its disingenuous to ask about my weekend as entrapment instead of asking me an honest question. Examples include: I'm so glad you reached out to me! The Im entitled to your assistance is the MINOR part of this.). So with someone new, Did you do anything good last weekend? Are you up to anything good?, If the person comes back with an invitation and youre not enthusiastically sure you want to do whatever it is, delay! A party people pop quiz so to speak. I find that are you doing anything interesting this weekend? can come across as less pressuring than what are you doing this weekend? Not only does it focus the question onto peoples hobbies/interests, but the answer no, not really doesnt automatically mean that someone is free. On the other hand, being around them makes my shoulders go up around my ears. FRIEND: I am available [date]! I think part of it, too, is that I have mental health issues and physical issues so sometimes the questions make me feel pressured to have a good weekend. This relationship goes both ways. Vagueing it up works for me. I think there is something to be said for family relationships between adults where the balance is between emotional labor and responsibility for the home rather than money. Trying to remember the name of that weird person you remind me of. Once upon a time I had a friend. I dont remember why anymore but at some point I agreed to share my google calendar with this friend. I think the idea at first was to make it easier to plan hangouts. This is a whole lot easier to get if you see someone do it, but here goes: First of all, your manner while doing this will be constant big beaming smiles of absolute certainty, with big cheery extrovert gestures and rather loud but happy and beamingly-positive voice mannerisms. I do have a preference for having the What are you up to Friday? question asked first though because I appreciate that they want to respect my schedulewhenever I book hangs with my good friends, we let each other know what blocks of time are going to be rough to fit each other into and know not to ping them too much during those times. Wow is all I got. Also, that is very common; very few people I know can really remember everything they are doing for months ahead. Im an introvert that needs enough time in my week for quieter things around my own home without people. If an invitation to something materializes at this reply, I have no problem saying No. If I catch myself, before they respond lll clarify what my actual invitation is. I think this is an expected thing for women to do. Wow, dear LW, that was a great message and it certainly gave me good points to think about. No way. Him: Nothing at all? It is a question that can be answered or echoed and nobody minds too much. Opposite of what I want . @IndoorCatI appreciate your comments. There are at least two distinct why do you ask? which are sadly distinguished only by tone.
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